Where have I been?

It’s funny, I went to work today with a goal in mind, a goal to have my voice heard by my boss, and I walked away in worse shape then when I walked in. Maybe it’s that I’m frustrated, maybe it’s that the last three months have been a waste, or maybe it’s simply because yet again I am letting everyone down. With the weight of the world on your shoulders, it’s hard not to let everyone down. Then again, I invite that weight, I brought it into my life, and now I have to deal with that. I have to deal with the fact that my life is this way because I made it this way. Maybe I just get extra sensitive around the holidays because there are so many harmful memories that fall in this season. The reason, I don’t know, but I want to figure it out so that I can change it.

I find myself asking the same question over and over again, Where did I go wrong? Where did I let myself get away from what I am here to do? When did I lose sight of the fact that I didn’t take this job because it was going to be easy and it was going to be rewarding and because I would be herald as a hero, because honestly, I’m not. I don’t feel rewarded, I’m not a hero, and the job certainly isn’t easy. I have more stress today than I did yesterday and I am sure to have even more tomorrow. It never ends, my job isn’t left in a cubicle in an office building with a thousand people walking by that don’t know my name. My job is in a school, with eight hundred students and two hundred staff members that know where I am, what I’m doing, and who I am talking to at every moment in my life. They don’t just stop having problems when they leave school, sometimes their problems get worse, and when shit hits the fan they know they can call me. They do call me, at all hours of the night. And while I would love to be out partying, going to college, having a good time, I know I can’t, because these kids don’t have anyone else. But when your boss tells you that being there for them is wrong, that what you have been doing is wrong, that the last three months have meant nothing, where do you start? The beginning has already passed, the future isn’t slowing down to accomodate your loss in progress, and in some unnatural way you have to make it all better. It’s impossible, it’s killing me.

And I know I need a vacation, I know I need a break. I know that to really be ok, I probably need to find a new job and be done with it. But the end, the things that are offered, they are too great to let go of now. Half way through and I am ready quit. Hell, I was ready to quit a long time ago but I don’t back out on my commitments. I don’t leave people hanging out in the breeze because I am having a mental breakdown of sorts. That’s not who I am. If you know me well enough then you know that on any given day, your happiness is more important than what I have to do. If you have a problem, I am the first one on call, the one person you know can call at three in the morning and will help you out of what ever predicament you have gotten yourself into. That’s just me, that’s my personality. It is how I am now because I never had a person I could depend on when I was growing up, hell, I don’t have any one like that now. So I constantly take care of every one else, and when it comes to me and my well being, I could care less. Because I have seen too many people die, too many people give up, too many people lose a great chance, and too many people forget how amazing they truly are because there was no one there for them.

I am in so many cases the only adult telling these kids that they can get where they want to go. That they are not destined for jail, or a six foot ditch, or a life full of crime and drugs. Sometimes, these kids look to me as a friend, as someone to stop them from doing something stupid. And it’s a lot for me to do, but I want to do it, because I can’t stand to lose any more kids to something senseless. I love my job, it’s just not what anyone else wants me to be doing I guess. I love my life too, but it’s at this point way too difficult for me to keep going. I hope it gets better, quick. I’m ready to be that friend that throws in the towel and gives up. The safety nets are gone and it’s a long way down.