Urinal Etiqutte for the uneducated classless alcoholic
Current mood: creative
I’m gonna go ahead and cover some sanitary guidelines. Firstly, there is no chance in hell the Browns are going to the Super Bowl, so this translates into no #2 in public restrooms, plan ahead for that. If an emergency should happen be prepared with the essentials of the paper ass gasket. This means plenty of TP for the seat and enough to wipe your disgusting self later. This only applies to men as we all know women don’t poop, and even if they did they poop pretty flowers and their shit smells like fresh roses. I don’t want to think of hot women dropping the duece, ok? Back to the ass gasket, wipe the seat, then apply several layers of tp around the seat, you don’t want some dingleberries, herpes, or crabs being able to creep up on your ass. Next, no matter how bad you have to go, and how long the line is, and the fact you can stand and pee anywhere you damn well please–this is not Mexico, there is no peeing in drains in the sink or floors. Those are just some very basic rules of conduct while in public.
Now for the nitty gritty. Upon entering the line, conversations are allowed under the pretense that they involve manly topics and are kept short and to the point. Talking aout your prey for the night is perfectly acceptable as long as you ralize when you don’t take it home and nail it, it is fair game for people to use against you tomorrow. If your game can take the hit, by all means run your mouth as much as people will tolerate before you catch a right cross and have Chris Tucker standing over your ass screaming “you got knocked the FUCK out mang…now gimme my god damn money.” Comments such as “flip it and zip it” are to applauded for creativity and style points.
Next, pay no mind to the guy getting paid to watch you pee and help you wash your hands. Anyone taking that job needs a special talent, Altzhiemers. However, any other wandering eyes should also be met with a right cross, Chris Tucker, and a group beating. That also means keep your eyes on the prize (you ginormous cock), or straight ahead as if Lee Ermey was your drill sergeant and you are private pyle in boot camp. If you have trouble with your focus, maybe you should go buy a deck of cards with naked big breasted women on them then plaster some in all the possible urinals. This may even help the guy next to you from admiring the size of your wang. Do not take it as a compliment if another male admires your cock. Go with the assumption you are John Holmes and only God has a bigger dick than you, that way compliments are not even flattering as it may lead to gay tendencies otherwise.
By now you should realize the rule of urinal selection as well. There shall always be one space between you and another male. If there are five pissers and the pissee’s thou shalt not pee. You be the example and refrain from the easy go, stick to you man laws! In the same ballpark, do not risk peeing in the broken urinal that has been backed up for two weeks. I don’t care if you get 100 to 1 odds you won’t overflow it and get moldy waste all over the floor (which means your shoes and pants jackass). Just hold on a few more seconds. Besides it is not worth the chances of it happening and not only did you lose the bet but now you smell, your nasty and you sure as hell just wasted a buzz and the remote chance you had at getting laid.
Stahl operations should be done with door open so no one comes barging in on your ass to see if someone is in there pissing. They will know you are in there when they can see the back your shirt since the fucking door is open moron. This also keeps peepers from the over/under look. Now if they do that you know you’ve got a wierdo in your midst. The only reason the door should be closed is to drop the duece in which case thanks for being the asshole making the place reek of shit all the while listening to your moans and random flatulations. I hope poop water splashes your ass. And you should know…the second fastest thing in the world is your asshole, the fastest thing in the world is that splash from a duece coming back in your ass to haunt you later. May your skidmarks lead you to a life of abstinence.
Lastly, conversations are a big NO! at most you should do a simple nod to acknowledge another males presence. Remember Mr. Holmes you have a cock even God himself would blush at, so there are no situations where you need an ego boost from talking. Besides, focus on what your going to say to that hot blonde when you get back to the dance floor. You gotta impress her to get that bitch splitter of yours into action!