Purdue is a place born out of a failed professorship, hog by-products, and a discernible lack of Vitamin D. If you are looking to be underwhelmed, then Purdue is the place for you, from its concrete quads to its consistent underachievement in athletics and academics.
West Lafayette, Indiana is akin to a post-apocalyptic hinterland – not unlike Los Angeles after Skynet – constantly covered in a shroud of gray. Beneath the low-hanging clouds, you will find befuddled and unkempt corn-fed engineering and ag students breathing through their mouths as they trudge around campus in piss-yellow sweatshirts and ill-fitting sweatpants covering skid-marked tidy whities. And the men aren’t exactly the picks of the litter either. This is, after all, the school that has produced Brian Cardinal, Kyle Orton, and Carson Cunningham. If you listen closely, you can hear masked screams of ugly-students-past under the constant and bitter wind that wafts the effluence from nearby pig farms and sewage treatment facilities throughout Purdue’s campus.
With that introduction, here are the top ten reasons IU is better than Purdue:
10 (tie). While IU touts the fact that the structure for DNA was discovered on its campus, Purdue is proud of the fact that they financed and helped modify the plane that carried Amelia Earhart – who was a whore, mind you – to her death.
10 (tie). Purdue clings to the incorrect notion that it has the largest bass drum in the world. Whether it’s the largest or not, one thing is true: it gets hit on more than the average (and I do mean average) Purdue co-ed. Zing!
10 (tie). IU was once ranked the number one party school in the nation by the Princeton Review. Purdue – whose most famous bar is a self-titled “chocolate shop” – once rioted after they won an NCAA title in women’s basketball.
10 (tie). IU’s campus is perennially ranked as one of the most beautiful campuses in the country, while Purdue needs a giant fan to make it smell less “manure-y.”
9. Purdue has courses in animal husbandry, and the National Swine Registry is located in West Lafayette, while IU is home to the Kinsey Institute.
8. The women at IU are generally considered to collectively be the best looking women in the Big Ten, if not the entire Midwest. (IU was recently rank #30 in the top 50 sexiest colleges and Purdue didn’t even make the list). At Purdue, the women are so homely that one of the literate students once wrote an editorial in the school newspaper entitled “Purdue doesn’t have enough quality women,” and otherwise neutral basketball announcers feel the need to comment about their cheerleaders’ lack of attractiveness. If you need further convincing, look no further than former “lady” Boiler Ukari Figgs. Actually, I probably shouldn’t have mentioned her. If Jack Link’s has taught us anything, it’s don’t mess with Sasquatch.
7. When attending an athletic event at IU, you might run into John Mellencamp. When attending an athletic event at Purdue, you might run into a woman who looks like a donkey.
6. IU’s motto, “Lux Et Veritas,” when translated, means “light and truth.” Purdue’s motto, “Education, Research, Service,” when translated, means “Keeping Ugly Girls Out of IU since 1869.” It’s true. I read it on a sign once.
5. Quick, name a famous cult leader responsible for one of the largest mass suicides of all-time who went to Purdue. You can’t, can you? But if you were talking about IU, then you’d be talking about none other than charismatic Peoples Temple wunderkind Jim Jones.
4. IU is a Public Ivy. Purdue is a public toilet.
3. Bloomington was the setting of an Academy Award winning film, while West Lafayette – although never filmed (too dark) and never actually mentioned on screen in any film ever – is the inspiration behind the titles of such film as “In Hell,” “Anatomy of Failure,” and “Porky’s.”
2. IU’s basketball coaches have claimed national championships and Final Four berths, while the only championships Purdue’s basketball coaches claim are in Goonies character look-alike contests.
1. Purdue allows its football players to take pictures like this:
Also in a recent study of the top 100 Colleges in the country by Kiplinger (a Washington, D.C.-based publisher of business forecasts and personal finance advice, available in print, on line, audio, video and software products):
IU came in at #63 and Purdue followed way behind at #82
***(Note: This is meant all in good fun, don’t take too much offense either way)***