To the guy who broke in my car…


Dear Bastard:

I would like to take this opportunity to belittle and possibly beat you if I knew who you are. Don’t take this the wrong way but you are like my boss. I have more respect for his name tag than I do you, at least it is more than three inches long (translation since I’m sure reading is problematic for you–I just said you have a very small penis). I’m sure you already knew that though as you are the one that has to look down and see that depressing sprout of flesh. Hell that patch of skin below it that usually holds balls is probably the reason you have to steal to get nice things in the first place. Its fucking christmas season you douche! You don’t steal from people during this season (though I do hope you got frostbite along the rim of your asshole while you sat in my car fucktard)! In fact you should not be stealing at all (at least from me), why not go steal from some mansion in Carmel–oh, thats right cause they hire people to shoot people like you on sight. Don’t worry I’m not gonna shoot you if I ever find you. Castration, would be a godsend. No, for you-syphalis infected cum bubble, you shall get water torture, followed up shortly by some painful neurotoxins taken from a very pesky jellyfish. Then I’ll give you a day in my basement to recover as i defocate on you at random hours of the day and night, while you listen to the lovely sounds of Kenny G (I bet you like that shit too). Once that is complete we shall go over my playlist on my Ipod you stole, having deep discussions about what each song means to you and why I shouldn’t beat you for every song I lost on it. Next, I will cut up my leather jacket you stole and make it into a whip. I will beat you so hard with it, slaves will appear saying “damn my mastah didn’t even whip me that hard!” Moving right along, it would then be time for some tequila, not for you, but for me since it makes me a very angry person (no, I was not drinking tequila whiloe writing this to give you a hint on my devilish abilities). I will then bring out a small knife and cut you all over roughly 1000 times. Don’t worry I’ll treat each wound so you dont go and bleed out on me. Next I will take each bottle of cologne you stole and mix it with acid and randomly spray you with it until you are in so much pain you can’t even scream! Ok thats enough of me being nice, after that I will slowly disembowel you and leave your corpse dragging behind my car until your bones have nothing left to scrape on the pavement. if a cop happens to ask me why I have a body dragging behind my car, I will simply tell him that you are related to terrorists and President bush told me it was Ok. Speaking of terrorists, I will have to also interrogate you. Maybe you are of middle-eastern decent and just forgot to drop your towel in my seat as you got out of my car. Hell thats probably what you used to wipe your fingerprints from my car (yes they did come look for fingerprints–be scared if they happened to get yours–cause this may come true quicker than you think). If for some reason none of this ever happens and I never actually find you, I hope karma kicks in and tommorow you split your sack in half and carry your testicles in hand all the way to the hospital. After that I hope they find out you have some horrible disease that is dibilitating but not fatal. You know one that will turn you into a drooling (but living) vegetable for the rest of your worthless life. Actually, I just hope your life turns to absolute shit and you wind up being mistaken for some child molesting, cop killikng, maniac. And then your ass gets to meet Bubba and every day you can only look forward to waking up just to grab your ankles as Bubba rocks your world! Hey, at least your getting laid I guess :P. When Bubba wears that ass out I hope he makes a new one on ya, and even tattoos tits on your back and makes you dress up like a little catholic school girl!

Sincerely,
Audi Owner

copyright alky 2006