After one of the longer(and more memorable, although not quite as clearly as more recent) sessions of beer pong I’ve ever played, I follow Cool into the house with the two bikini-clad girls in tow.
Cool’s older brother was a bartender and just happened to be mixing it up with several coeds acting as drink-maker.
Pretty cool little bar. One side was flush to cabinets, the other side had 6 barstools. Cool, myself, and the two bikinis(who shall remain nameless because, well… I don’t remember their names) take up four stools.
Cool asks me what I want to drink and immediately just shakes his head and tells his brother some mumbo-jumbo about a drink.
I remember it as… frozen. In a clear glass. Red. Sweet and verrrrry alcohol-tasting. After the second glass, pizza showed up. Probably the best timing for me because after 2 beers, 6 or 7 games of (losing, by the way) beer pong, and those two drinks, I needed food(I have no idea where those hot dogs went or what hunger it killed).
At this point, Eagle comes inside, grabs me, and we go out to my truck to smoke again. Probably the worst idea to try to sneak away and smoke, because on our way to the truck, Cool and the two bikinis plus about 3 others chase us down and ask to partake.
Eagle was cool with it so we sat in the bed of my S-10 and smoked a few bowls, chatting, enjoying the company and the buzz.
Frankly, the rest of the night after leaving my truck to go back to the party is a blur, but based on stories from several friends, I’ll recreate the story to the best of my ability.
Included in the next several hours are the following events/objects… you figure it out.
-A beer bong(you kinda knew that was coming, didn’t you?)
-Jared doing a kegstand(or three, kinda foresaw that too, right?)
-Jared racing Cool in a pizza-eating contest. By contest I mean “who can eat an entire Mad Mushroom cheese pizza faster”(which I won but lost the pizza directly afterward).
-Cool and the Gang(haha, just kidding) laughing at Jared for throwing up all over himself.
-Cool dragging Jared to the side of the house and hosing him off. Thanks buddy.
-Jared wrestling Cool for control of the hose and subsequently starting the largest unsanctioned water fight I’ve ever seen.
-Cool’s brothers wrestling the hose away from Jared, dragging him to the pool and throwing him in fully-clothed, and Jared losing a cell phone to water(thankfully my key-fob and wallet were in my car).
-Jared taking off all his clothes in the pool and threatening to shit in said pool unless someone brings me the gym bag from my truck, which also got thrown into the pool(assholes).
-Jared throwing up in the pool(which was immediately evacuated).
-Jared feeling guilty and trying to clean the puke out of the pool using one of those nets on a 20-foot pole while standing on the side of the pool butt-ass naked(which led to Jared puking again… in the pool).
-Jared finishing getting all the puke out of the pool(or into the cleaner valves), getting dressed, and getting high fives from everyone for cleaning up my own mess.
-Jared. Keg stand. Beer bong. Shotgun. Puke. Gallon of water. Puke.
-Jared passes out at 10pm in his truck with the doors locked and windows rolled up.
-Jared wakes up at 11:30pm and runs in the house. At this point, the party has dwindled to about half its original size. Jared is met with jubilation that he’s alive(and a warning about the used condom on my antenna).
-Jared partakes in drinking games named Kings, Bullshit, Asshole, and probably others that I forget.
-Jared pukes again(this time in the bathroom with the fan on for silence). Recovers well.
-Jared decides to stop drinking(for that particular evening).
-Jared decides to watch Sportscenter.
-A young coed joins Jared on the couch.
-Jared and young coed(who had already met, done shots with, done kegstands with, done beer bongs with, nearly puked on, etc.) get to know each other.
Now from this point on, albeit fuzzy, I remember what happens.
As it turns out, Uno(for 1, one, first, “winner winner chicken dinner”, etc.) is a senior in high school and friends with Cool’s younger sister. Uno is in town for the weekend. Uno is cute, skinny, tan, looks like mommy and daddy have money. As it turns out, she has a full-time job managing a pizza place back home. Who knew?
Jared doesn’t know what the numbness in his legs or the reason for his perpetual hard-on is, but understands fully when Uno puts her hand on his leg and meets… well… you get it.
Jared immediately goes into “danger! danger!” mode, talking about going back to his dorm room for the night, leaving, not feeling well, being tired etc.
Uno isn’t persistent.
Jared goes to leave, is met by Cool, who inquires about Uno. Jared and Cool step outside, have a cigarette, and Cool hands Jared a condom, instructs Jared to use a guest bedroom, and slaps Jared on the ass on the way back in.
Uno runs up and, as you probably guessed, says “I thought you were leaving”.
Jared brushes it off, says Cool asked him to stay in the guest bedroom, “I guess I’ll just sleep here”, Uno asks if she can join. Jared obliges.
To say my first time was romantic would be a joke. It was more like a comedy. Not a tragic comedy, though.
So Jared and Uno slink off into the guest bedroom.
A few points.
-I’m a virgin at this point.
-I sleep naked at this stage in life.
Jared completely neglects the idea that there’s a female in this room.
Jared defrocks and hops under the covers.
Uno stands next to the bed like “I guess you aren’t pulling any punches, huh?”
Jared has no idea what the means, watches Uno undress and get into bed, feels pain in his loins, etc.
Let’s just say that this little 18-year old nubile girl did NOT know what was about to happen.
Neither did Jared.
Now I’m not hung like a horse or anything(not like Spray-paint Can who you’ll meet in another story), but yeah.
I don’t like condoms from the first use of it.
First of all, a penis is like a balloon. A little friction can cause it to pop for most balloons.
Not my balloon. Not my first time.
With a condom on(at least for me), you can’t feel anything. In fact, the condom Cool gave me had this slick little numbing agent as lubricant.
Now look, at this point, I’m 19 years old. I’ve been beating off daily(sometimes more than once a day) for about 5 years. I’ve seen porn, raided my dad’s Playboy and Penthouse collection. In fact, I’d rubbed one out less than 24 hours earlier.
Turns out that Uno is a rider first, missionary second, doggy third, and “please don’t cum in my hair” but on my face kinda girl.
I won’t go into much detail other than to say that this wasn’t a “romp”. It was more like a guided tour. A safari, perhaps. More like Game 7.
I mean, there was a rest stop. A pee break. I drank a Gatorade at halftime. I got a pep talk from Cool while drinking said Gatorade during a cigarette break outside in my boxers with the condom still on. There were four quarters of action. Overtime. Double overtime.
When it was all said and done, the sheets were torn, the mattress had to be flipped, the blinds were broken(WTF?), and Jared had a calf cramp during orgasm.
In fact, I was sober when it was over. Uno passed out shortly thereafter(and called the following week to complain about the thumbprint-shaped bruises on her hips and inner thighs).
I went back out to a standing ovation(from the crowd of roughly 25-30 people). I bowed. I shook hands. I got high fives.