The tiny flames were hypnotic as they flickered & danced, keeping time w/the music of the band on stage. I heard the notes w/my ears, felt them in my heart & could almost see them as the floated past me like miniscule blue wings of tiny butterflies.
The music was heady & my mind wandered away mesmerized by the flames from the candles on the tables for they were reflected a thousand times, on the cutlery, the crystal glasses, the jewelry worn by the patrons, the highly polished tabletops & even the melted wax upon which they burned.
Somehow, someway as the music caressed me & the multiplying flames entranced me, part of me slipped away inside myself & clocked out.
I remember following the flames (there were so many) for they called to me (not aloud) but inside & only a corner of my mind could hear them. The tiny dancing fingers of light led me down a blue corridor that only I could see & I happily slipped over the edge of reality & left skipping along with them. I couldn’t help but follow for they surrounded me dancing about my ankles with warm glee & making me smile inside myself.
The corridor was long & also strangely wet. I looked down at my bare feet & saw blue liquid bubbling between my toes, tickling my feet & tho wet, didn’t put out the candle flames. I slowly came to realise that the blue fluid was naught but the musical notes floating about for as they touched the walls of the corridor, they became liquefied into this & it dribbled down the walls to puddle about the floor.
I liked it in the corridor. I felt lighter there, younger, more at ease in my skin. Not a single part of my body hurt & I felt as if all the stresses & weights of my world were lifted & I smiled inside of me & silently rejoiced.
I realised that somehow the flames seemed familiar, that somehow I knew them for they seemed as if I should. But I felt safe with them & followed them even deeper into the blue depths of the corridor as the music continued to play & supply the moist floor w/liquid blue notes. We turned a corner & it was then I realised that the flames were people I knew, friends & loved ones who all meant so much to my heart & who love me in one way or another.
I looked into their orange hot ‘faces’ & saw there smiles & acceptance of me. I laughed aloud for to realise they were here to keep watch over me in this corridor, they lighted the way for my bare toes to step & they guided me along this blue tunnel into which I’d followed them to help me not misstep. I saw friends from my now, friends from my past, my sisters were there, some co-workers, men I had loved, men who loved me in return, relatives I adore, & people who usually dwell on the edges of my life but who care for me in one way or ‘nother.
But they were there… in those candle flames & they burned brightly with their love to me & I was not afraid.
The music got louder & those tiny blue butterfly wings that carried the notes thru the air brushed against my skin. It tickled at first OH ever so softly as they brushed against my arm, my face, my shoulder. I let them light upon me & it was sweet. One of the butterfly notes landed on my arm & was heavier than the rest. I paused to look at it sitting there & was mesmerized as it seemed to be trying to change in shape.
The part of me that had slipped away down the heavenly blue liquid corridor stopped and looked back & was rather surprised to see the rest of me still sitting there @ the table of the restaurant where I’d gone for supper.
Slowly, ever OH so slowly, that part of me in the corridor, returned to the rest of me & the as the weights of the world & the years all rolled back upon my shoulders with each heavily trodden step. The flickering flames receded back from their millions of reflected selves faster and faster until each one was again in its place inside the small candle holders on the dining tables.
Just as slowly, the dining room came back into focus as the blue corridor receded & I realised that the weight of the butterfly on my arm was naught but the hand of my waitress. She had become concerned b/c I had been sitting in the exact same position for almost 20 min. Her real concern was that she hadn’t seen me blink in almost ten. She & another waiter thought perhaps I had slipped into an epileptic seizure & decided to see if I was all right.
It was a bit of a start to come back into me only to notice about 30 strangers all looking at me as if I were suddenly a leper or a drunken sot.
Even worse… trying to politely NOT look at me.
I quietly explained to both the waiter & my waitress about being a Narco & how sometimes we zone out like that & yes, sometimes even with our eyes wide open for extended lengths of time.
(It used to really freak Jack out when I did this)
I am not sure if they believed me or not. I showed them my MedicAlert tag that I wear when I travel but still..
you could see the distrust in their eyes.