But I drank my coffee she brought me (people so often think that caffeine is going to help) & I tried my best not to look at the staff members staring my direction or directly at the flames again for I didn’t wish to chance part of myself leaving again.
The dark brew was excellent so I asked for a refill while the band members played (fantastically I may say) & gave me strange looks (probably thinking me quite rude for snoozing on them so).
I tried to not make eye contact with any of the other patrons in the room then I paid my tab & left after the first performance, quite wide awake now & headed back to my hotel.
I drove down Walnut in this town I’ve come to like a lot, towards my hotel & as the setting sun warmed the skin of my arm hanging out the window & the wet, gray winds from the earlier storm tangled in my hair, I smiled remembering that dark blue corridor, the soft blue of the puddled notes between my toes, the many dancing flames that held the friendly faces of everyone I knew & loved & who loved me.
I realised that the part of me, that happy, dancing, laughing, carefree & younger part of me that skipped down the corridor was still here. Still inside of me, a true part, if not the real me I keep inside & I only need to learn to let her out now & then to play b/c she needs it.
I realised that I do let her out sometimes, mostly when I am with my friends or sisters or my kids, I just need to do it more often.
I don’t usually travel alone. Well I ‘travel’ alone locally, I just don’t like to travel to FAR off places alone or frequent any larger establishments alone simply b/c of possible situations like this one.
If I go out to dine while alone in a strange town, I dont usually pick such a swanky place, I grab something fast so I dont chance ‘crashing’ inside & having to feel foolish & humilated b/c of falling asleep. But I wanted to come here, I’d heard a lot about it from Michael & they had an opening, I just stepped up & nabbed the seat for hoots n hollers.
Even last year when I was sent to Chicago by my work for a seminar, I took my sister along with me for just these reasons. I needed her companionship not only b/c I love her dearly but also to help me in case I fell asleep in a strange town among strangers who mightn’t believe me when I wake up & have me arressted for public intoxication or something equally harsh.
I should have invited my friend Michael along to the Jazz place, but I didn’t. I ‘m not sure why I didn’t but I think it was b/c I wanted to go someplace with just me for one night & not have to think so very much about boundaries, friendships and such.
I wish I had invited him tho, for he would have kept me awake or at least been there to explain to them while I was zoned out.
I fall asleep.
It can’t be helped.
But it does help when I do it & I am not alone.
I will invite Michael along if for nothing more than the wonderful company I know him to be but also to hold my hand & keep me from slipping down that delightful cool, blue corridor with the flickering candle flames.