Senselessness….


It seems that people have a tendency to understand/accept the shortcomings, handicaps, disabilites, etc of another if it is one that they can SEE or touch. Crutches, wheelchairs, replacement limbs, glasses, hearing aides, & such are phyical evidence of the problems of another person & therefore, more readily accpeted.

If however, your ‘handicap’ is not easily perceived by whomever, then it is automatically suspect to be denied existence or overlooked by that party sort of ‘if I can’t see it, it must be just in your head & therefore not real’ sort of attitude. Sometimes people even resent you having a problem or even that you dare to claim to have such & pooh-pooh it away so they dont have to deal w/it.

I suppose it is like going to your local ER with a broken, lacerated limb & the person in the bed next to you has a ‘headache’. You’re lying there w/blood & bone & torn flesh screaming in pain. The doc is able to SEE what is wrong w/you. The patient next to you however, is also screaming w/the pains of a thousand chainsaws ripping thru his head but no one can SEE this pain & therefore it’s reality is lessened in the staff’s eyes & on the priority list of triage. YOUR pain is obvious- that poor schmucks is NOT.

It sux, but it IS true.

I am a Narcoleptic. Many feel this is just a dodge or excuse for being lazy insisting I’m just tired & need to take some vitamens, or I’m pretending, or I need to stick to a sleep schedule, or I shouldnt’ stay up all hours of the night partying or I just need to pull myself out of it, or whatever they so choose to think or say. They cannot grasp that this means I have NO control over when/where I fall asleep b/c there is somethign wrong with the control switch in my brain that regulates a normal person’s sleep cycle & mine is broken.

Yesterday, my dyslexia was full blown to the point of tears. It started out @ work w/little things, reading things wrong for meetings such as dates, number of persons, the amounts of whatever dishes required. I looked on left shelves for things instead of the right shelves, the numbers of the patients rooms kept sliding about making muckpiles of themselves & wasting time w/having to read things more than twice to make sense.

Then came the cash register.
I LOATHE that thing. HATE it w/the passion of a 1000 burning suns. I do NOT get along w/it & yesterday was a doozy. Not only did I ring people up wrong, I was also handing back the wrong change. It wasn’t a good day & it was only getting worse the longer it went on.

The cooks job requires that I count out the drawer @ the end of my lunch shift. Said drawer includes last nights supper, this mornings breakfast & my lunch. There have been six other persons running this register for the last 24 hrs while I have run it exactly 90 min & yet I am the one responsible for its contents. Ok, this is fine- what is NOT fine is ME counting ANY money let alone this cash register. I’ve never been able to get it thru my boss’s head that a person w/dyslexia should NOT be running a register, let alone be responsible for counting anything other than their own pennies if even that.

She tells me, “you just need to practice more’ or or ‘it’s part of the job description so you need to learn it’ or ‘you’ll get the hang of it soon just keep trying..’. Well bloody HELL I KNOW it’s part of the job, I just can’t DO it. Not well anywya & after 12 yrs of PRACTICE & gettign the HANG of it, you would think if I didnt have a PROBLEM I would have LEARNED it by now!

Yesterday? It took me over an hour to count correctly $572.83. Over an HOUR. I couldn’t get it right. I counted it & counted it, tried to get it into its little piles of SAFE/DEPOSIT/DRAWER/CHANGE & it wouldn’t work. I ended up counting it into piles of bills, tagging each pile so I would REMEMBER how much was in each stack & even tagging the frikkin’ coins & YET- I ended up frustrated, in tears, w/a full blown headache & the money was still not going into its allotted slots correctly. Over an hour. That is just insane. But I cannot help it, I can NOT do numbers, I can NOT count money. I don’t balance my checkbook for a REASON yet I am REQUIRED & RESPONSIBLE to count the money for our cafeteria even if it frustrates me to the point of taking more time to perform this task than it does ‘regular’ people which makes the courier late for his rounds b/c he is still waiting on ME to get it completed so he can go to the bank & deposit the ENTIRE hospital’s monies & has me frazzled to the point I want to take all of that green shit & stuff it down the garbage disposal.

HOW does this make sense?

As for the “you just need to practice more” bullshit idea- it is like telling a diabetic, ‘oh you just need to stop eating sugar, then you wont be a diabetic anymore’. Guess what? Taint Happening for either of us. They can’t STOP being a diabetic anymore than I can stop being dyslexic & no matter how much practice either of us does- we are what we are what we are. I accept it, I just wish others could too.

So, with all that crap going down yesterday, it would seem only fitting that I end up lost in LV again last night. I mean… why the *F* not? Twas a perfect ending to an already backwards day. I turned left instead of right or was it…?

Never mind. I dropped off Yevla & then drove for miles I didnt’ need to drive last night, saw parts of LV I didnt need to see @ that hour & used gas I didnt need to use.

But I am home now.