Reflections


This was originally a myspace blog, but for the sake of having a blog here, this seemed like a good one for the first…

ts been a year, this October, since you left. I still think about you from time to time, and i wonder, hope, pray, speculate that you are in a better place. I wish I knew the extenuating circumstances to the accident. All I’ve heard are random theories and hypotheses and I take them all at face value. Maybe you were driving. Maybe the car was stolen. Maybe you paid the ultimate price for a stupid, stupid decision. But I dont know. I wasnt there. I wasnt up there until the funeral. I hadn’t been up there in months. I hadn’t seen you in a long time, I got so wrapped up in myself and my life and I wish I could have spent more time with you. I wish i would have been in a better state of mind when you came to visit me at school. I wish a lot of things. I wish you were still around. I wish i didnt start to cry every time I think about you. I wish I hadnt lost all of my pictures of you, and that time in my life. I wish you could have gone on to be, what i know in my heart, you could have been. You would love my kitty, by the way. I look at him sometimes and I think of you. Its kind of pathetic. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I love you.

This is going to be a rather reflective month, i feel. Robb’s funeral was held on October 18th. A date that could have lived in infamy for me. Instead, I’m happily single, starting my career (which is doing rather well, I might add), and genuinely content and pleased with my life. I don’t think I was ever happy before. I mean, don’t get me wrong, he made me happy, of course he did, for a while there. But the whole time I felt as though I would have to be making a sacrifice that I wasnt sure i was willing to make. If you had told me when we started dating, that I would be living in indy, and the marketing director for HotBox Pizza, I would have laughed in your fucking face. But here I am, at the office right now, actually, enjoying every moment of my career, and watching this very small company do some amazing things. I’m excited for the future, and I’m glad to be where I am today. Granted, theres still some loose ends that need to be tied up, and i wish they weren’t taking over a year to be tied up, but things could be much, much worse. I hope he’s happy. I wish things hadn’t ended the way that they did, but I’m glad they ended. Before any life changing actions were carried out (legally). Before the financial mess we got ourselves in got any worse. But, such is life, and I’m the person I am today because of that experience among others. And, he introduced me to HotBox, so at least something positive came from that interaction in the end.

This past year has really taught be a lot. I lost (another) loved one. one of my best friends battled a pretty nasty case of brain cancer, and won. I moved to a new city, which is pretty alright. I graduated college. I’ve been so poor that I literally could not afford to eat. I’ve been single longer than I ever have been since I started dating (which is awesome). I’ve met some pretty amazing people, and made some amazing friends along the way.

I’m finally happy with me, and who I am. I’m done changing myself. I smoke, I drink, I like a good party with people I know, I enjoy doing kegstands, and the occasional game of beer pong. I’m young and ready for a good time. I’m spontaneous, I love adventures, I like to go out and do stuff, but a night in with a few friends is often the only thing i want. I like to seek the thrills, and will resume such activites when my wallet allows for it. I’m passionate about a number of things, and those of you that know me will vouch for that. I have a sense of humor, and I like good music. and sometimes not so good music. or music that has gotten a bad rap, when really, its awesome.

I’m nikki, and I’m pretty fuckin rad.