Reasons I don’t want to be a grown up.

So, I was going to type this in an e-mail to someone, but it’s late enough for me that I thought it was clever enough to share with the whole MojoNation.

1) Voting: At this point it’s like choosing between being shot or stabbed. And not a good being shot, but like a nagging wound like to the stomach. At least being shot is a surprise, but being stabbed… you’re there for the whole thing. (Hilary is liked to a stab wound, while Obama is the shot. You know what you’re getting with Hilary, you can see it coming and just can’t stop it, while with Obama you sense something is going to happen, but it just suddenly happens. And McCain is just plain nuts. Besides America is still blaiming everything on the Republican party so he doesn’t stand a chace. Hope everyone like the color Red and waiting for their ration cards.)

2) Bills: The only reason I have to have my stupid day job, bills. Of course it is nice to eat more than grass, dirt, and mom’s left overs. Plus I’m just too handsome to eat at a soupkitchen. Of course not being rained on is good as well. If only I could live off M&M’s… I could eat for like 59 cents a day… by the way, why isn’t the cent sign on keyboards. It’s so undervalued. It’s like… why does everything have to cost over 100 cents. That’s right dollar sign, I’m not even going to use you when I should… you glory hog. That’s right, I’m talking to you… from now on my TacoBell fouth meal is in terms of cents… 129 to be precise… mmmmmm… beef and potatoe barrito.

3) Decisions: Everything is a decision. Hang with this friend or that. Like this person or not. Date this person or don’t. Hurt those feelings or not. Why can’t I just refuse to decide on anything anymore… oh yeah, cause I don’t trust anyone else to make the decisions either. Like that time you decided to drive us to Chicago in a hooptie… in February… and then proceed to flood our hotel room… yet… that was golden.

4) Youth: The youth creeps me out the older I get. The fact that I refer to people under 18 as youth, even creepier. Like this whole Mylie Cyrus thing. And the Jamie Spears thing, and the… let’s stop making children into celebrities thing so they can actually lead normal lives and not screw up thier children, drive drunk, and hog all the good drugs. I mean… what if I want to go driving anywhere near California? Not only do I have to worry about the crazy cop pulling me over for being a tourist and not knowing if my lights are on or not in my rental car… I mean I was only darting into traffic because it scared the crap out of me, not because I just finished a drive by in my Enterprise rental car… I mean what gangster drives a rented Honda, but I also have to worry about being ran off the road by Paris, Nikki, or someone from the NBA.

5) Friends: I think the worst part is all the friends that you have all these cool inside jokes with get married, get old, get kids, and forget who you are. I have two friends who are expecting children, a handful that just got married, and a few more that are getting ready to get married. The rest are making such crazy decisions with thier lives that I’ve been pushed out of the picture. Which, is probably self-evident from the exceptionally long blog and attempt to be funny when really I’m just kinda of depressed. Anyway, here’s to you… the Gang from Perkins. All 55 that is now down to zero. Some have moved away, some have moved on, and some just plain fell off the face of the earth. I miss you all… we need some more Chicken Fingers, sugar shots, and pick-up lines for KK and Gina. I have a few that stayed true, and a few trying to join the game… but where is the friend I was promised in every show I saw growing up… where’s my Booger, my Kimmy, my robot for a sister? Where I say, where?!

– Joe