Maybe in my life I wonder too much about things, maybe I just look too deeply into other things, maybe I set out to know too much, maybe I just know too little, maybe I was never taught what to think or ask about. But then again, who has the right to tell me what to think or feel or wonder about? Who has the right to tell me these things? I feel as though my parents failed me in so many ways. Whether it be with teaching me about handling money or social interaction, or how to be happy. They were never the best example of anything. Except for maybe on how to turn your back on the people you care about, how to tell the perfect lie, how to steal, cheat, beg, and borrow your way through life. But never have they really been the positive role models that I have sought through out my life.
I get angry with them, often times when I don’t mean to. I take it out on other people though. And then I feel pretty bad about it, and I try to apologize to the person, or the various people, about my actions in these times. My apologies often times fall on deaf ears, because my actions are usually irresponsible and irreversable. So I wonder what do I need to do to change this cycle? Because I know that carrying on like this is not healthy. I know that waking up every morning and wishing I was some where else is not right. I know that the people that surround me here care about me, but I would much rather be away from everyone. I guess not because I don’t want to see them, but I don’t want to let them down, or hurt them. So I struggle with this, all of the time. And I don’t know how to change it. I don’t know if I can change it. I don’t know if there is anyone who can help me change it. I think that I need to do it on my own.
I have so many great opportunities in my life, but I am so afraid of my own successes that I shy away from taking advantage of some of the things that are offered to me. I turned down jobs in Alaska, Montana, and New York to be here, in Indianapolis, and now I don’t know why. Because I would much rather be in one of the other three places. I would love to be canoeing this weekend in Alaska and get to see some glaciers melting and some polar bears running around on the banks. I would much rather be in Montanta hiking through the deep woods and running into grizzly bears and monstrous snow storms. I would love to be back in New York for the holiday season, because no where else in the world can hold a candle to the hooplah that New York puts on for the holidays. And maybe this is part of my problem. Because here, in Indianapolis, I have some great opportunties to do some great things, and yet every day I feel as though I am letting myself down and the people around me down. I am not taking advantage of what I have here, and I am letting it get me down. And I am taking it out on so many people that I don’t want to take it out on. This, ofcourse, is no one else’s fault but my own. This is something that I need to deal with, because no one else will deal with it for me.
There are times that I feel as though I am pressured to do something extraordinary, where I have to stand out. Especially at work. I am practically being asked to save the world inside of the Indianapolis Public School District. A district that if it were up to them would not have me or my team there. It is hard to do a job that no one else is willing to do if you don’t have the support of the people not willing to do it. And while I want to make these people happy, how do I do that if I don’t know what will make them happy? It is a hard road to travel every day. My feet are getting tired, and I think I need a break that is longer than just a couple of days. I think I need to get away, see a little something different and then come back to it. I think that I need to know what is expected of me and then I will be ok. But until then, I don’t think I can take much more of this job. I don’t think my mind, my soul, my heart, my body can put up with this stress for much longer…….