Over it

I feel like everything is suddenly slipping out of my hands. I’ve always lived my life constantly trying to please other people, and now that i’m taking the time to life my live for me, its apparently making me a bad guy. I’ve always tried sooo hard to be friends with everybody, and be good to everybody, even at my own personal expense. Well now that reality has struck me, and its pretty near impossible, I have to look out for myself.. I can’t be placing things about myself behind those of everyone else. Call me selfish, I don’t even care, I’m tired of letting my feelings get hurt over people, i’m tired of being walked on and used for my kindness. I’ve always been the one to drop everything at the drop of a hat, but you know what, i’ve done that for everyone, and not everyone has done that for me. So why waste my time on the people that don’t give a crap? You can’t be a part time friend. Friends are for life, they’re there day in and day out, no matter your situation. They don’t judge you for protecting yourself from the actions of others. Hell, they’re usually the ones that are trying to help you protect yourself from others wrongdoings as well!! And I know, I’m only 22, but I have lived, loved, been done wrong, and met some people I love to death, and ones I could definitely live without.

A lot of this breaks my heart to think about, especially the thought of just telling some people, that I can’t stand to be around them anymore, because they’re bringing me down, and making me suffer. I don’t like to take the time into avoiding people, or pushing people out of my life. If i had all this crazy time, [that i dont] I would be trying to fix these relationships. But if these people aren’t willing to help, or work on a two way street, then how in the hell and I’m supposed to even care about trying to fix it. I just don’t have the energy to even care anymore. When was the last time they asked me how I was doing? But they expect me to run to them when things aren’t okay? Not working.

Secondly, I should probably just stop talking. Everything i say gets beyond blown out of proportion. I understand people have different definitions of things. But damn. Really? I’m pretty sure the way people are interpreting what I say is getting totally mixed up, or even repeated wrong, who knows. Honestly, I’m over it. I’m done. You want to take what i say in whatever way you want, GO AHEAD. I don’t care anymore, this is another thing I just don’t have the energy to care about. Go ahead, hate me, I know my true friends will stand by my side, because they know what kind of a person I am. I’m not going to let these meaningless people affect how I feel, and how I think about myself. I just can’t deal with it anymore. I’ve let it affect me so much up until this point, its affecting my life in a big way, through school, work, and social. I don’t want to be an emotional basket case. I want to go have fun, live my life, I’m 22 years old, I shouldn’t feel like everyday is hell. Its just not fair to me.