My walls are as clean as my teeth


Friday night I went to see MacGruber. Yes, I was one of the ticket holders contributing to the whopping $1.5 million dollar opening night. I really did enjoy it. I enjoyed Will Forte singing on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon as he lead The Roots in a rocking romp version of the theme song with his real life mother looking on in a nice combination of horror and admiration. I hope I get to see my future kids just going for it. So as I watched the movie and laughed at prank after homemade prank, I had a nice combination of horror and admiration myself. Admiration for our true fallen heroes that we will be celebrating this weekend and horror for my childhood homemade concoctions that left my family in tears.

For instance, around age 5 my folks put brand new pink carpet in my room which lined up with my teenage brother receiving a hobby car kit. Now I thought, “Why can’t I enjoy being a girly, girl and make a model car on the pink carpet, without any newspaper underneath?” Why can’t I leave a 1 foot black mark in the middle of the carpet that would remain for the next 10 years just to show that I could be a tomboy and pretty? Well, I could and I did. It was a very charming gesture of me to do to my parents.

That same year, I felt it necessary to put my newest drawings on the spanking new wall paper with toothpaste. My artwork was fantastic. White paper with red marker…very daring and now it had a home. At least for a moment because nobody told me that toothpaste was not an adhesive. Oh well, my Mona Lisa would have to stay on the shelf. I didn’t get in too much trouble for this one as someone, I am not naming names, but it starts with a” b” and ends with “rother”, took a sharpie and went from the top of the stairs to the bottom by drawing a straight line down the middle of the wall. It really framed the room and gave our guests something different to look at.

Now, I am not trying to tell you that I was a deviant child, quite the contrary. I was helpful and always trying to please, but sometimes made poor choices with my artistic creativity. So I knew I had to focus my energy elsewhere until I got that sorted out. So I went the helpful route, like loading the dishes in my college kitchen with laundry detergent instead of dish detergent. It was a great incentive to clean the whole room, because the entire floor filled with bubbles up to my shins. The kitchen was Arm and Hammer fresh and so were the looks on my roommates faces.

I believe those misguided days are behind me. I do a great job as band leader making late night tacos after gigs, bringing snacks when the guys are heading to gigs from school with no time for a meal. But as a newly anointed Hoosier, I still catch that old feeling once in while like when I unknowingly told a family from Detroit that I believed that Ron Artest got the shaft and way too much blame for that NBA debacle. I assumed they were from Indy. But hey at least I was telling the truth and there were no suds on the floor.

Finer will be at Birdy’s this Thursday night May 27th @ 10pm. Be there or risk your glue being switched out for toothpaste.

www.finerband.com