Okay, so since I was a little kid I was always taught to share. Share with my sister, share with my friends etc. and sometimes I just didn’t want to. I was a spoiled brat and although sometimes it seems that I still am I really think that I am not. I just have the tendency to still act out like one.
I remember one time when I was very small at the pool with my Aunt at her apartment complex, I had let some other little girl use my little mermaid floatie ring. I was nice, I shared, I even tried to make a new friend. Well I saw her leaving for lunch with her mommy and telling her that someone gave her the floatie. I threw a fit and my Aunt went to retrieve my toy. That was the moment I decided to pick and choose who to trust with my toys.
I also remember in like 3rd grade not wanting to share my new friend Emily. I had one best friend at one time and when I was sick of them I moved on. Thankfully I grew out of that stage quickly. I became a tomboy and figured out boys were less crazy to be friends with. Granted I still had my female friends.
Granted I was a child, and these are two extremes it is situations and behaviors that had to happen to help shape us into the adults that we are today. For some reason I am that girl that doesn’t like to share her personal space. Any time I go on vacation with someone or someone comes to stay with me for more than 2 days there is bound to be an issue of me getting angry. It is a horrible habit that I do not know how to break. Little things happen and build up until I explode – any other situation I can talk it out. But when I am in such a close vicinity with someone I shut down.
Take New Years in I think it was ’07. My boyfriend at the time and I were just getting serious. I was housesitting for my sister and he decided to come stay with me for a few days. Everything he did irritated me for no reason. I asked him to leave for a bit and go hang with his friends… after he refused I said nothing. Until after the party late that night when I kicked him out at 3am in a drunken rage. Now I know I can be a dramatic drunk and all which is why I have tried to cut down. Thank god there have not been situations as serious as this one lately.
Anyway back to my point, when is the point where you are ready to share a space with someone? How can you live with someone if you get irritated with their existence only after a few days? Is it me? Am I the mean one because I don’t want to share? Am I just not ready for what a real serious relationship will bring? How long does it take to get prepped for this? How will you know?
They don’t teach you these things. You are just supposed to learn as you go and just know when it is right. Well what if it seems right but old habits die hard? What if you want something or someone to work out so bad but you cannot get over your own habits of pushing people away? Why do I have to push people away when all they want to do is make me happy? Why is it that the nicer they are to me.. the meaner I have to be to them?
My theory on this was that the relationship I had in my formative years was so disfunctional that it has conditioned me to be a heartless bitch. I promise you that kid has ruined my psyche forever.
Anyway, just some thoughts and of course ramblings… the answers will come in time.