Here comes another rant on metrosexuals and the like. I’m not trying to be overly offensive, who am i kidding of course I am. As yet another binge goes by, the weather begins to turn to warmth and my balls will matriculate from their hibernation spot and make the final descent to their fleshy patch of skin commonly referred to at my satchel. This means I am starting to notice things like the return of cleavage, short skirts, and somehow the guy wearing that god damned pink shirt has to catch my attention because….PINK IS A FUCKING GIRLS COLOR YOU HOMO! If you really want to argue this point with your pink shirt saying “real men wear pink” i would like to tell you to shut your cockholster before you get beat up. Your mouth is slightly short of a cum catcher at the sperm bank anyways so nothing you have to say is important you nancy! Now that we got that straight we can move on to the upsetting things I see.
#1. Sunglasses Rule
If it is past 8pm in any season (even earlier in winter) you do not need fucking sunglasses on your fucking face. There are always exceptions, if your name happens to be Stevie fucking Wonder, your exempt. If you have an unsightly face and your glasses cover up that shit, well, don’t wear glasses go see a doctor or something cause your gonna scare someone when they possibly take your herpes infected face home. I’m all about stopping the spread of diseases, and in your case ugliness (not to mention stupidity…thats another blog). The only people allowed to wear sunglasses at night in fact are celebrities, and the reason for that–they have six to eight zeros behind their name and they can do whatever the fuck they want. You however are not even out of scrub status, in fact take that stupid fucking aluminum foil out of your mouth before someone sees you with it. I wouldn’t want you getting sympathy from someone falsely believing your a some guy with Paulsy or Down’s Syndrome, they have way more intelligence and class than you could ever hope to achieve.
#2. Excessive grooming
Yes, I’m talking to you! Quit looking around like you can pass this one off. If you spend more than 30 minutes in the bathroom/shower for any given occasion you can return your sack, dick, and testosterone in…I’m sure there is a depository at the Democratic National Convention, it’s like that little boxes in womens restrooms for tampons just for your manhood. Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t maintain the playing field or anything like that. Trimming the bush is an effective way for you small pecker carrying dick bags (due to bad luck at birth, steroids or whatever) to make your shit look bigger. The old saying, “trimming the bush makes the tree look bigger” might help you get laid at some point in your miserable existence. This is in reciprocation of the female party doing the same hard work for you. However, just because they shave their legs that you should follow suit. Keep it simple, your manhood can only take so many hits. Think of Jackie Chan playing Battleship with your nutsack…three hits and the sub is sunk, so compare that to your game once she finds out your take more time than she does just to leave the house!
#3 EMO’s and really any guy wearing womens clothing…
I don’t care what your fucking excuse is. Get your ass to the nearest graveyard, dig a hole, slit your wrists and hop in. At least that way the only effort the rest of society needs to put in is covering up your worthless ass, your not even worthy of being chopped up and fed to an Ethiopian. There is no excuse on my fucking planet to be wearing womens jeans. If you really think it makes your ass look better or something along those lines, maybe you should kill yourself and pray your return as a female. No monthly bleeding, no jeans with extra hip room–got it? And NO–you may not substitute goth trends for your inability to recognize which side of the store is designated for penis. Black t-shirts with some heavy metal band on the front, large metal chains around your neck or coming from your wallet (do you really want people to think you have a metal chain connected from your ass to your package?), spiky objects of any sort, and excessive facial piercings are all off your radar. What is so fucking hard about being normal?
#4 Popped collar
I don’t know why this hasn’t ended yet, but I still occasionally see popped collars outside of the designated areas for popped collars. Whats that area you say? Fashion shows, just because they do it doesn’t mean you can, they get paid to look overly gay (probably because they are gay). You don’t paid to act like a dumb ass do you? No, ok then, put that collar down before I rip it off and and castrate you. Like the sunglasses at night, leave it in the 80’s, especially if you were born in the 80’s! No one brought back the tight rolled jeans so you can’t bring back the popped collar.
cont next blog…
copyright alky 2007