Lust or Love?

The great debate.. It’s not hard to find people who make a living on both sides of the fence. For some the fairy tales and dreams come true meet life in an explosion of happiness, for others the conquest and challenge of meeting new people and scoring brings ample excitement and challenge to life…

Is one better than another? I am sure I can find people who will say yes and argue either side of the debate, and perhaps we cannot find a true answer that all can agree to, but we can study the pros and cons of both and more importantly come up with guidelines for both…

Let’s look at love first. While maybe not everyone has experienced true love, many of us can remember the first time we “thought” we were in love. Love is a funny thing, in talking with couples who have been married for years, they describe love as something far different from what Hollywood portrays. They describe love as something that takes work and commitment, but is one of life’s most rewarding experiences…

The first time I heard a couple describe it that way, I didn’t want to believe them. I wanted love to be this happily ever after bag of emotion and joy, the warm fuzzies that never fade… That Hollywood ending… Yet none of these couples were complaining.

Love has it’s advantages.. Starting with the obvious, there are all kinds of fun microscopic organisms that can make your life hell if your “partner” decides to share. Being in a genuinely monogamous relationship, can help ease those fears(I know someone is going to say you can be monogamous in lust, I`ll address that later). Love adds a level of depth and self worth to a relationship that lust can’t.. One of the reasons that so many people want to be in love, is so they can be appreciated, respected, adored. It’s actually for very selfish reasons…

Love has it’s disadvantages too.. True Love is hard to find, especially in this day and age… How picky do you be, if you wait for Mr or Mrs Perfect, you might wait for ever, settle and you may be disappointed for life…. True Love is really more selfless than selfish. If you are serious about falling in love, then you need to realize it is more about what you can be for another person than what you can get in return. True Love is a relationship where two people serve each other in equal capacities, you give selflessly trusting the other will do the same.

For many true love does become work over time.. When we first meet someone the excitement and emotions of it are more than enough to carry us. Eventually though some of that excitement does fade, and then you find out if you really have what it takes to make it…

Not only is True Love hard to find, but it has risks as well. By opening yourself up to someone, and opening your heart to them, you risk being hurt, you risk having your feelings not equaled, you risk being crushed….

If I haven’t scared you off on love, and hopefully I haven’t because that is not my intentions, there are some keys to making love successful:

1. Make sure you are ready – Are you carrying baggage from a previous relationship? Do you have big emotional hurts in your life? Huge decisions to make? If you have major issues and you bring them into a relationship you are just asking for trouble. Take the time to clean house and be whole rather than hoping some person can complete you…

2. Focus on what you have to offer someone – Get the focus off yourself. If your sitting there dreaming of the perfect person and how they will take care of you and do this for you and do that… You are setting yourself up for disappointment, and a short relationship if any at all. Love elevates another person to a high status in your life. While it doesn’t have to take the place of everything great in your life now, it does change your priorities dramatically.

3. Physical stuff is overrated – I`m going to get shot down by this one, but lets just be honest here… If you sincerely are looking for some one to settle down with, sexual compatibility or physical interaction is not one of the first 17 things you need to be looking into! I am not saying it’s not important, but realistically in a relationship what % of the time is sex? I would venture to say less than 10%. If you are in a romantic relationship there will be a lot of emotions tied in to, and this can mess with your ability to accurately determine if this person is someone who can really be your best friend. I am not saying it is easy, and God knows I am not perfect, but the more you can hold off and focus on getting to know the person the more likely you are to figure out who that person is and potentially avoid more heartache down the road should things not work.

4. Guard your heart! – We have all had the friends who meet a person and 24 hours later think they are in love, and all they can think about is that person. You can’t learn much about a person in 24 hours! Anyone can represent themselves to be a good person for a short amount of time. You need to give time for a person’s true character to show, if you fall madly in love at first sight, like in hollywood you are setting yourself up for disaster!!!!

Enough about love, lets talk about the other side of the coin. Lust! A vast majority of you I presume know the excitement and anticipation that comes with being with someone for the first time. That feeling can be a rather addictive one, and it is one that a lot of people on this side of the fence are drawn to.

Lust has it’s advantages, beyond the above mentioned excitement, for those who may have very busy lives or aren’t in a position to commit themselves to a serious relationship, lust is a great way, to burn some frustration(and some calories), and have some fun without being tied to something. The excitement of the “hunt”(and I mean nothing derogatory by this, I just mean the chase and challenge of it, both guys and girls do this), can be enough to break up the monotony of a long week and give us something to look forward to and to occupy our mind. Lust is a great escape from life.

Lust has it’s disadvantages too. Being safe is paramount, especially for women. Lust can give you a negative image. It’s funny how many people who love lust will be quick to point other people out as whores but neglect their own whoreness! Lust can become an addiction that can pull you in as with anything else in life.

If you are a person that enjoys lust, the chase, the experience, here are some keys to success!

1. Moderation, Moderation, Moderation! – Just like alcohol, cigarettes, recreational drugs, lust is no different. Anything in moderation will allow you to make good responsible adult decisions that you have a right in this country to make. The farther lust goes past moderation, the more you lose your ability to make educated decisions and drift towards stupidity that can cost you in many ways. Set your boundaries, and guidelines and stick to them no matter what. Keep yourself in a position to be safe.

2. Alcohol and Lust can be a bad mix – Look I am not saying you cannot drink, but again moderation is key. One of the most successful lust guys I know was a friend back home named Chad. Chad loved girls, and chad loved parties. In fact chad threw some of the best parties in the area, but chad never drank. EVER. He said it tainted his decision making. Chad hooked up with a lot of great girls, and I never saw heard of him waking up next to someone and regretting it…

3. Be honest about your intentions – Using love as an excuse to get laid, is a destructive and only short term successful strategy(once you get caught in it, good luck getting girls to take you seriously). There are PLENTY of guys and girls who are in to lust and hookups and NSA relationships. You don’t need to dabble in the love pool and be something you are not to get laid.

So which is better. Love? Lust? I have my opinions, and strong ones, but the goal of this particular blog is not to sway you, but to get you seriously thinking about it. The worst thing you can do to yourself is not know where you stand on any particular issue!

Alexander Hamilton said it best, “Those who stand for nothing , fall for anything”.

Bottom line, be honest with yourself and determine where you stand. For some they may transition, a season of lust a season of love. Perhaps they have been burned by love and want to spend some time lusting it up while they heal. Maybe they want neither. You have to be honest about where you are at, and what you want to be, and carry that honesty into any relationship you enter into. Want to know what I think? Maybe I`ll divulge in the forum thread….