lush vs real alky…part 2

If you want to start off in a location where people communicate in words you will not understand, but who will not dislike you because of your national origin, try the mountain regions of North Carolina, or anywhere within 200 miles of the Mexican border. Just keep in mind that you are in the Bible Belt down there, and take care that you do not end up trapped in a dry county without the proper provisions.

After you are comfortable drinking on the road, it is time to venture into the Third World. Tijuana, Mexico is the perfect place for the debutante drunk. The natives speak an unintelligible language, the average citizen lives in abject poverty, there are a myriad of vices readily available for wanton indulgence, and law enforcement officials are shamelessly corrupt. If you live on the sunrise side of the United States, Louisiana can serve as a near perfect substitute.

3. Learn Essential Phrases in the Language of the Land You Are Visiting. Though it is true that English is spoken across the globe, your ability to communicate with people in their native tongue will separate the Third World Inebriate from the common tourist. In some areas it may also prove crucial to ensuring that you remain properly lubricated. Before you set foot in a foreign land, you should be able to say the following in the local lexicon:

* Can I have two beers please?
* Do you want to dance?
* No, I am Canadian. Really.
* I am not the only one who threw up in the aquarium. Why should I be the only one that pays for it?
* You have really beautiful eyes.
* Are you sure you are not a transvestite?
* ‘Cause I’m pretty sure that’s an Adam’s apple you’re sporting unless you’re choking on the cork to the champagne bottle.
* How much is it going to cost to get me out of this?
* Will you marry me?
* Would you please make sure that the German Shepherd is cooked well done? The last time I ate here I came down with a vicious case of canine distemper.

A Third World Inebriate should also be able to communicate his basest, most disgusting sexual desires to the woman seated next him at the bar. If she has any shred of decency about her, she will try to break his nose and claw his eyes out before storming out of the bar in huff. The Third World Inebriate is not looking for decency, however. He will usually seek out a woman who will hang on every rank suggestion he makes and then, after hearing it all in its dankest glory, will smile coyly at him and say,