Loosing it…


There is nothing I’ve ever felt that has been more amazing than being in love and for the first time in my life, having that love returned to me. For one, I didn’t think that it was going to happen to me when it did. But the total exhilleration of completely giving your heart and trusting it to another person, Finding wholeness in knowing you are completely yourself with that person and they love you anyway. It has been the the most precious gift I’ve ever been given by another human being…

I see my patients sometimes, old married couples caring for one another as their loved one is about to have surgery or is very ill. Holding on to each other’s hand, kissing each other. And I see the look they give each other that says “I don’t know what I’d do if I ever lost you” This one elderly couple, I’ll never forget. Could not hardly stand to part from each other when leaving the hospital, wife in wheelchair blowing her husband kisses and saying I love you all the way down the hall to the elevator.. Even stopping the car outside her husband’s window to blow him one last kiss goodbye… I just melted at this site.

This is the type of love I want, and I’m not sure that it exists all that often anymore. I hate what I’m feeling right now… I am loosing it!! That feeling, that comfort, that sense of feeling safe in one’s heart. And it makes me bitter now. The Love only seems as if it’s just a memory now. And it makes me question, “Was that Love that I was feeling?” “How could it not be Love!?” And if it truly is Love, “Why is it leaving me now?”

I’ve always been one to trust my heart and even through the voice is small it is the ever present voice of God that ultimately directs my decisions through life. Has this one been easy? Hell no! 6 months now have I been strong and battled with my conscious about the decisions I have been making. Love is a funny thing you know. You will do anything to hold on to that feeling, Even compromise your own faith and dreams.

What is it that destroys Love? Is it really physical distance? Is love only something that is present when 2 bodies are physically holding each other?
Lets bring it back to the basics… and what I KNOW is true about love

“Love is patient, love is kind It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. Love never fails. ~I Corinthians 13:4-8~

If this is not what we have, then it isn’t Love then is it? And if a physical miles change the way you feel about me, then maybe you never really loved me to begin with?

It hurts me you know, to feel you letting go. I lay in bed sometimes before I sleep and wonder “Does he still want me?” “Why isn’t he talking to me?” I know you are hurting too because I was not ready to take the leap, but to feel you let go is something I wasn’t expecting to feel.

Whatever is was that was shared between the two of us… You found me! Somewhere in the midst of my wandering, You found my heart and got to it. I believe people enter one another’s lives for reasons. We learn from each other to become better people ourselvs on this journey that we call life. If this Love is failing and is not a lasting love. I still thank you, for loving me. For breaking down my walls and finding me when I was hiding from everyone else. I Love you for that, and always will….