K. There doesn’t really seem to be much to do at the moment but accept that my therapist was probably right when she said I have major depressive disorder, and whore for some support.
I’ve actually been fighting this since I was oh, about five. It comes and goes, and this is the worst bout I’ve ever had. It makes no rational sense and I feel like a big pile of failure for not just being able to throw off the crushing feelings of sadness, the what’s-the-point moments that have become whole days lately, the fear of leaving the house because I don’t want to break down and have people see me that way, the intermittent thoughts of self-harm… all of it.
At least I’m self-analytical enough to know where the worst thoughts are coming from. I don’t want to hurt myself, and I sure as HELL do NOT want to die. I am just so unbelievably tired of feeling like shit. As long as I can think through it enough to do something that at least makes me FEEL like I’m taking proactive steps to make my life better, that truly helps. That makes the worst of it go away.
But it gets harder every day just to get up in the morning, let alone actually do anything. I try to act so upbeat on Twitter and everything, but guys, I just can’t do it anymore. Maybe I’m just crazy. My therapist said there might just be something physiologically wrong where my brain has a hard time either making or processing those happy-chemicals, serotonin and such, and I just might be one of those people for whom antidepressants aren’t a cop-out, but are just something they need to function like normal people. One of my friends has referred me to a psychiatric nurse practitioner, after several aborted attempts to get a psychiatrist (Those bastards are WAY too hard to get an appointment with, and if there’s anything depressive people AREN’T, it’s perseverent.) So maybe I can figure out what the hell is wrong with me and start beating it once and for all. And figure out what it feels like to be normal. I’ve fought the suggestion of going onto meds for a long, long time. But I’m willing to try almost anything at this point. I just want it to stop. I just want to be OK.
I don’t want you to think I’ve quit coming out to Mojo events and such because I don’t want to, or that I don’t like you anymore. I just don’t want you to see me like this. It’s so debilitating right now, it’s really kind of surprising and scary to me. It actually physically hurts.
But if I’m going to get better, I need some kind of support network. Most of my friends and family are still in the Evansville area, so I’m trying to get back there. But as of right now, I’m getting about one job interview for every 40 resumes/applications. So I may be up here for a while, still. And my current job exacerbates my symptoms so badly that my family, my friends, my fiance, and my therapist are ALL begging me to quit. Apparently working in a call center where you pretty much endure eight straight hours of verbal abuse on a daily basis ISN’T GOOD for someone with major depressive disorder. But I have to make money somehow, so I don’t know what to do.
And I have to keep up a good front for my employer and for potential future employers. And right now, that pretty much exerts all the energy and false-perk I can muster up.
OK, I’ve gone and done it. I’ve made a Debbie Downer post after I said I wouldn’t. I know that the emotionally-needy do not make appealing friends. But if you’d like to try and help me feel OK again, through being a shoulder or helping me get some contacts for a better job, or helping me GET OUT of the house from time to time, it would really mean a lot to me.
Thanks for listening.