I want an archnemesis


Or I guess I want to be important enough to warrant one. I suppose it’s a good thing that I’m not rich or famous, because that’s the exact kind of craziness I would indulge in. Pull a random name off the internet, and engage in a series of plots against said person. Could you imagine it? Headlines reading “Sarah McLaughlin vows to defeat Ken Patrick of Paw Paw, MO” and “Schemes Foiled by Local Area Man, McLaughlin vows revenge”.

I suppose she’d start by finding out what channels I watch, and at what times. Then, buy ad space and start playing sad music to clips of tortured animals. This would just be to get my attention. Once she made it clear who I was dealing with, she’d start to call my work, and complain to my boss. From then on, it’s time for the big leagues. Going on national television to declare war on me. She then robs the bank where I keep my valuables, using them to taunt me into finding her secret lair. Should I manage to retrieve the stolen goods, she’ll kidnap my girlfriend (or, if I don’t have one, cleverly disguise herself as a cute girl who likes me) and force another confrontation. Should I emerge victorious yet again, she’ll no doubt send some kind of laser-guided Tykebomb after me.

This of course leads to the final confrontation, in which Sarah (we may as well dispense with the formalities, since one of us is about to die) monologues to me on top of an abandoned building. Of course, it’s raining. Once I defeat her in honorable combat, she plays the final ace. The building has been rigged to explode. As she laughs manically, I run, leaping desperately to the next rooftop as the building crumbles into dust and smoke. I make it! No wait, I am slipping! Scrabbling, I barely make it. Exhausted, I survey the fallen building, satisfied that the long battle against Sarah McLaughlin is finally over.

Or is it?