You: WHERE was the Finnish national curling team during all of this?
Friend: I’m not sure exactly, but they showed up about an hour later with a few handles of vodka and some Swedish runway models.
Nice. You can always count on those guys. If it weren’t for the Finns, your chances of getting with a Swedish runway model would be approximately equal to the odds that the Catholic church publicly accepts evolution as scientific fact. However, you can now strut around proudly knowing that only one of the aforementioned scenarios is completely laughable and absurd. You snap out of your erotic daydream rather quickly when you realize that your grandma and a mother lode of explosives are now unaccounted for.
You: WHY wasn’t anybody worried about my grandma and the pipe bombs?
Friend: We were all so busy trying to hook up with the Swedish runway models that we kind of forgot about her. That is, until you stumbled upon the pipe bomb she had planted in the fridge. I’ve never seen a drywall screw get emb3dded so deep into somebody’s armpit before. The pain was so intense that you went into shock and wet yourself.
Mysterious injury in a perplexing location? Check. Stain on the pants? Check. The story of the night forgotten is now revealing itself to you like Pee Wee Herman at a movie theater. There’s only one question left to answer. It’s the key to your investigation, the Rosetta stone to your drunken hieroglyphics.
You: HOW much action did I get?
Friend: You were making out in the corner with one of the models for quite some time and I thought you were destined to score, but then she left with the Finns and you ended up futilely trying to go down on yourself, but that’s nothing to be embarrassed about.
You: IS IT TRUE THAT EVERY GUY HAS TRIED TO GO DOWN ON HIMSELF AT LEAST ONCE?
Friend: Yes. Whether or not he’s comfortable enough with himself to admit it publicly, every guy has tried to go down on himself at least once. It’s just something you have to be sure you can’t do.
ok so i’m just kidding about the last part…i would have said lick your elbow or touch your elbows behind your back but its just not nearly as fucking funny!