I never thought Senior year would be this difficult, full of nonstop work, and be so stressful. I mean I know its senior year, I have a lot to accomplish within a year to graduate. But COME ONNNNN!

This and next week are just really pushing at my nerves right now. This week I have a Literature review due for senior seminar. It’s basically done but the prof will probably say it could use some work. It’s just research on previous studies on my topic – which is children growing up quickly/too fast/ taking more responsibility as a child. No biggie. Then I have a history test on friday. I’m already studying for it. I’ve heard this prof is a hard grader. I asked one of my friends who is a History Major… about the prof and tests and all that jazz. He said the only history class hes ever got a B in was with this professor. He’s gotten A’s in all the rest. I think thats saying something… So that’s this week. Not much except for that test im stressing about.

Next week though. It’s gonna kill me. Monday I have a counseling test. It’s online, can use books, notes, whatever. Should be easy. By tuesday I have to read 17 chapters of the grapes of wrath. I’m on chapter 6. Do an online posting about it, probably just answer a couple questions. Thursday I have a community org test about general information. It’s online and can use books and notes, but still have to worry about studying because that profs questions are always random. Thursday I also have something due for senior seminar. Its hypotheses and theories on my project. It’s mostly done I just have to rearrange and read over it. Its about 7 pages long. Friday I have a history paper due. I don’t know what to expect for that. This Friday after I take my test is when I will get the questions for it.

Not to mention work. This week I work mon 5-10 wed 2-10 and sat 10-5.
next week its mon 5-10 wed 2-10 and sat 2-10. I really want to give up my wednesday hours next week and just work on stuff.

This always happens. All of a sudden everything is due. In the same week. I can be a perfectionist when it comes to my school work and I hate it. People always tell me to chill out but I absolutely hate and cannot stand to get a bad grade. It erks me. It eats away at me til I get upset. I don’t handle school stress that well, last year I had a freaking panic attack because I got so worked up. I need a good stress relief.

I already wasted enough time today. I just couldnt get in the mood of studying. Although I did get a lot done for History.. I guess. I’m still not in the study mood because here I am writing a dang blog about it.

It’s gonna be a long couple of weeks :(

Before now, I’ve never realized how easy I’ve had it with money. I’m not saying I have a big amount. It’s the complete opposite. I’m just very careful about how I spend it. I work all summer and save up as much money as I can, with occasional spending on myself. That way I know I have enough for books, last minute stuff I need for school, gas money, car problems (like how I had to have my brakes fixed), etc.

But now all of a sudden it’t hitting me hard on how I need a ton of money. And I honestly don’t know what to do and how to handle it.

I need a new laptop. The screen on mine is going out. It kinda flickers, makes a noise when it does that now, and sometimes will just go blank. It gets hot too easy, which I know it just needs a new battery, but I don’t want to waste money on a battery for a computer that won’t work much longer anyway. Went to best buy, computers start out at like $300. But I’d want to get a decent one to last me through grad school. So probably more around $600-700.
The computer I’m hoping will last until Christmas. My grandma said she would help me get another if I needed it, but I feel bad asking. She is my hero.

I need a new phone now. Two pieces chipped off near the hinge so the top half of my phone keeps almost falling off. I went to AT&T. How its messed up isn’t covered under warranty. And I’m not due for an upgrade til like March of next year. My phone won’t last that long. And the cheapest phones start out at like $250.
The phone is what I need the most. I could probably spend the 250, I just would not have money for a while for all my other expenses. Like the dang cell phone bill that I’ll have to pay for even if I can’t use the dang phone. Funny how that works.

I need to buy another text book for class. I’m going to guess it’t going to be at least $50 to $80. Somewhere in that price range since I’m buying it online.

I would put that on my credit card which I still owe $200. Gaining interest as we speak.

I still owe my school $988 for this semester. Until then, my account is frozen. Blocked. Whatever you wanna call it. Gaining interest as well.

I would ask my parents for help, but I’m pretty sure I have more money than them. No joke.

Another loan? Is that the answer?
Wait it out?
Beg for money?
Sell all my possessions in a garage sale?

OMG. I HATE my school. I seriously should have transferred a long time ago. It’s just too damn expensive here. And now it’s stressing me out more than ever.
This year I had to take $7500 out in loans. Now I know that people have had to take out more than that and other schools cost more than that, but still.
And to top it off, even after the 7500, split in half for both semester. I still owe $988 on this sem. So I somehow how to find another thousand dollars which gets an interest charge every damn month if I don’t pay it off.
So my student account has a hold on it. Basically, if it’t not paid off by next sem, I can’t sign up for classes. I’ve had friends here with that problem.
What’s my grand total on loans..?? OHHHH, about $23000.? And now I’ll need anther 2 grand to pay this year off.
I should have gone to a public school like all my friends.
It’s my senior year and I hate it. I want to quit.

Also have to buy another freaking text book for my independent study. Would have purchased it before when I got my other books but my professor only emails us today about it.

F YOU UNIVERSITY OF EVANSVILLE. F YOU.

great song

So… sometimes when im bored or upset or especially happy i write poems.
im not that great but it focuses me.

i wrote this one a couple months ago

Shattered Glass

looking out the window glass
trees swaying in the wind, fast
cars drive past without a glance

rain pouring down
the waters swirling all around
soaking the green lucious ground

wanting to be out there
the storm and i a pair
instead of stuck behind this square

reflection looking back at me
looking in, not out at what i see
reminding me of reality

drops on the window are mirrors
of my very own tears
now all turend to pieces of shear

So I’ve got most of my unpacking done.. Big stuff at least. Everything is arranged and has its place. Tv in the corner, books on the desk, couch centered. Only a couple more boxes left.
Still need to get some more posters, the walls are filthy looking.
And now my roommate who did transfer away is thinking of returning. Tomorrow. Or the next day. Tonight if shes in the mood. So that’s one reason I havn’t completely finished unpacking. I turned the other bed on its side for more room in the bedroom so that would be a problem if she showed up. Unless she turned into a vampire over the summer and sleeps in a coffin and not a bed… But I doubt that.
Classes start wednesday so I’ve got until then to unpack and get settled in.
Not ready for classes to start.
Schedule
Monday 10-1050 American History to 1865
unknown time – Counseling
Tuesday 8-915 Community organization
11-1215 Senior Seminar
115-205 Health and Wellness
Wednesday 10-1050 American Hist.
Thursday 8-915 Comm Org.
11-1215 Senior Sem.
Friday 10-1050 American Hist.

Not a bad course schedule but still not ready to hit the books.
Unready for what the year may bring…

So I’m a senior at the University of Evansville. I’m a sociology -preprofessional social work major. Ive got a decent class load this year. Counseling, Marriage and Family, History, Health and Wellness, Community Organization, and Senior Seminar. I also work at Marshalls part time during the school year. So between school and work and friends and family and everything, it gets pretty busy. But thats ok, keeps me outta trouble. right?
well, problem is, I don’t think I want to be a social work major anymore… I have no interest in it. I really like anthropology, but I’m a senior and its a little late to switch majors without being here for a few more years. That I definetely do not want. I need out of evansville. When you’re 18, being 3 hours away from home is good, at best. Being farther away would be great. When you get a few years older, you just want to be near home. For various reasons. I have a few… One in particular.
He should know who he is. But I’m confused by him right now… I had it all figured out this past week. Up until today… Needing to talk to him to figure this out.
I may or may not go to grad school. I should. But don’t want to. Reasons I don’t want to..
1. Don’t know what school to go to
2. Don’t know how long I’d want to go
3. Don’t know what I’d study
4. Don’t know where I’ll be in a year or who I’ll be with
5. Don’t want to spend the extra money
Reasons I should go
1. Better job offers
2. I’m only pre-professional in my degree right now
3. Eh, who knows…
Even if I do stay a social work major, I don’t know what kind of job I could get with just pre-professional, or even with grad school under my belt. I thought maybe working in the adoption agency, but who knows.
I don’t understand anything anymore. Even when I’m in a room full of people I’m alone. I don’t have a roommate again this year. I love it yet I hate it. Since I’m alone I get to do what I want with the room, have the temp the temp I want, be messy or a neat freak, don’t have to worry about whose property is whose, etc. But I’m alone.
And now I’m confused… about everything. I need some direction.
I havn’t been sleeping very good lately. Too much on my mind.