I feel like a champ. black eye and all.

Its so amazing how, you come to realize the most magnificent things in the darkest of hours. I couldn’t be in more physical pain right now. But as I sit here and push through the pain, it makes me come to my senses about certain aspects of life. Maybe I’m just a little slow to figuring things out or what, but last night, a good friend held me up, and made me realize exactly what I need.

I’m a pretty decent person, most would say. I do a lot of things for people that I don’t have to do, but, I like to help out, I enjoy being there for people, I almost can’t help it. But I’ve come to see that, everybody that I do that for, isn’t always going to be there for me. And you know what, I’m okay with that. That might mean, I may not drop everything for you anymore, but if you don’t want to be there for me, its okay. My feelings aren’t hurt. Trust me. I have plenty other people that are more than willing to be full time friends to me. These “part time friends” only come around when they need you for something, but when you need them, you better just forget about it. Its not going to happen. Well part time friends, adios to you. I also find it mildly entertaining, that people realize how good you are to them once you give them the boot. By getting rid of some people in my life, its caused some serious turmoil. Apparently since I get you out of my life because you’re nothing but a downer, it gives you the right to talk bad, start rumors, make me feel awful? Since when? Way to just lower yourself down and make me respect you even less. I’ve got enough going on in my own life, I don’t need to deal with whatever you have to say about me. Go ahead, say it. and if you want to make it even more high school related, talk about it behind my back.

I’m grown up, I don’t need your crap. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do, and many changes to make, and I’m ready.

This song, by Shinedown, just honestly carries me through the day, when I can’t on my own…
And today’s one of those days..

Someday, when I’m older
And they never know my name
Somehow, if I’m honest
I can never feel ashamed
Maybe I was wrong to
Hold you up so high
Now I know I’ve lost you
To the feelings I kept inside

I don’t know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We’re not on the same page, you don’t even know me
Cause you never took the time

Someday, when it’s over
And you never show your face
I hope you’ll remember
How I tried to make you a place
And so now, I move on
To keep my piece of mind
In someway, I’ve failed you
But I just ran out of time

I don’t know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We’re not on the same page, you don’t even know me
Cause you never took the time

I’m not sure that you hear me
I’m not sure that you look at me the same
I will always be attached to you
But I’m never gonna feel the same

I don’t know if it felt like
I wanted you here, the way that I wanted you last time
We’re not on the same page, you don’t even know me
Cause you never took the time
No, you never took the time

Someday, when I’m older…

I feel like everything is suddenly slipping out of my hands. I’ve always lived my life constantly trying to please other people, and now that i’m taking the time to life my live for me, its apparently making me a bad guy. I’ve always tried sooo hard to be friends with everybody, and be good to everybody, even at my own personal expense. Well now that reality has struck me, and its pretty near impossible, I have to look out for myself.. I can’t be placing things about myself behind those of everyone else. Call me selfish, I don’t even care, I’m tired of letting my feelings get hurt over people, i’m tired of being walked on and used for my kindness. I’ve always been the one to drop everything at the drop of a hat, but you know what, i’ve done that for everyone, and not everyone has done that for me. So why waste my time on the people that don’t give a crap? You can’t be a part time friend. Friends are for life, they’re there day in and day out, no matter your situation. They don’t judge you for protecting yourself from the actions of others. Hell, they’re usually the ones that are trying to help you protect yourself from others wrongdoings as well!! And I know, I’m only 22, but I have lived, loved, been done wrong, and met some people I love to death, and ones I could definitely live without.

A lot of this breaks my heart to think about, especially the thought of just telling some people, that I can’t stand to be around them anymore, because they’re bringing me down, and making me suffer. I don’t like to take the time into avoiding people, or pushing people out of my life. If i had all this crazy time, [that i dont] I would be trying to fix these relationships. But if these people aren’t willing to help, or work on a two way street, then how in the hell and I’m supposed to even care about trying to fix it. I just don’t have the energy to even care anymore. When was the last time they asked me how I was doing? But they expect me to run to them when things aren’t okay? Not working.

Secondly, I should probably just stop talking. Everything i say gets beyond blown out of proportion. I understand people have different definitions of things. But damn. Really? I’m pretty sure the way people are interpreting what I say is getting totally mixed up, or even repeated wrong, who knows. Honestly, I’m over it. I’m done. You want to take what i say in whatever way you want, GO AHEAD. I don’t care anymore, this is another thing I just don’t have the energy to care about. Go ahead, hate me, I know my true friends will stand by my side, because they know what kind of a person I am. I’m not going to let these meaningless people affect how I feel, and how I think about myself. I just can’t deal with it anymore. I’ve let it affect me so much up until this point, its affecting my life in a big way, through school, work, and social. I don’t want to be an emotional basket case. I want to go have fun, live my life, I’m 22 years old, I shouldn’t feel like everyday is hell. Its just not fair to me.

I’ve recently discovered that if you bring drama to my table, I no longer care what you think.

I’ve done a lot of cutting people out of my life recently, because I can no longer handle their immaturity or their drama in my life. I’ve got my own issues to worry about on a daily basis, and I have no time to fix yours. I’m not trying to sound heartless, but come on, if you’re just trying to start trouble, I by no means want to be a part of it.

I cause my own trouble. Smile

Anyway, for those who have seen me lash out, cry, break things, scream, I apologize for my shenanigans. This last month or so, has been a crazy process in which I’ve learned so much about myself, and how to handle things, that I now realize I don’t have to put up with certain things, if I don’t want to . I’m an adult, I deal with adult type situations, not this high school drama that some people like to use to provoke me to respond.

Not anymore.

So over this last month I realized that i’m so much better off without my jerk ex boyfriend. Its so hard to take off the fog lenses that are the aspects of a given relationship. Its crazy to look back and realize, wow i did everything, and got nothing in return. I hate that I was treated like that, and now that I realized it happened, I’m not going to say I regret it, but it makes it difficult to ever advance in another relationship with anyone. Because it makes me think, is it all going to be like this? And everyone tells me no, its just all so confusing and misleading at the same time. I suddenly wish that all of my past relationships hadnt resulted in either being cheated on or emotionally destroyed. I know I’m strong and I know i’ll move on, but i find it hard to believe things will get substantially better. I’m just hoping someday, somebody will prove me wrong. Until then, i’ll be waiting.