I’ve been thinking of some odd things as I drive to work recently. Mainly I curse at the other drivers who never seem to be in a hurry in the mornings. I hate getting stuck behind other drivers! What’s worse is when you get stuck behind what I like to call a rolling roadblock. That’s when all possible lanes going your way have a car in it that chooses to go the same speed as the car next to it, completely blocking you from passing these slow-ass individuals. Add another car to this group and you have what I call a “flotilla” of cars. Like a pack of cars you can’t get around, these usually make me wish I was driving a Nerf car to bump someone out of my way. Usually on the expressway, flotillas are caused by police cars. Because everyone in the group is afraid to pass, they just group there like guppies swimming in a school hoping not to get eaten. While the police cars lurk the roads like sharks waiting to snap onto the tail of a speeder or missing headlight. The “cheaters” tick me off sometimes as well. They are the cars that come off side roads or out of parking lots and immediately skip lanes to get into the lane they want, and just hope everyone slows while they do it. Traffic law says you must enter the lane of traffic nearest you and then change lanes after signaling. Did you know you can turn left on a redlight as long as you are turning from a one way street onto a one way street?

Driving to work today in the snow, I was thinking of how context can change the “feel” of a sentence. Like if a woman says to her lover,”You shouldn’t come over, the roads are treacherous,” And the guy says,”Nothing can keep me from you, beautiful.” Now that’s sweet and romantic. But if his ex-girlfriend just broke up with him again, and he’s not taking the hint and says,”Nothing can keep me from you, beautiful.” Now may be the time for an EPO and some pepper spray or a taser! It’s all about context.

As he stands there, he knows it’s raining but he doesn’t feel the cold drops as they hit him. The heat is radiating off his skin, a guttoral roar is emanating from deep within him, his eyes blaze with anger, his face is drawn tight as he glares into the sky. He wills his lifeforce to reach up like giant hands to pry apart the purple storm clouds so rays of sunlight can pour over the lifeless body of his lover that lays at his feet . . . but nothing

As they say, the other shoe fell yesterday. My father passed away after having a heart attack in his home Mon. night. I can’t process the strength he had to go on these past six months after my mom died. He had said he never thought he would outlive her. I knew the holidays were going to be hard on him. The first ones in 49 years without my mom around. And her birthday is the first of December. And their wedding anniversary was a couple of days after that. I love my dad very much. I understand he’s happy now, back with my mom. But, I can’t stop my inner child from crying for his mommy and daddy. I’m glad my dad’s not trapped in his failing body anymore. He hated not being mobile like he used to be. And he hated not being able to remember names and things he used to know. That’s the one thing I most fear, I don’t want to be trapped in my own body. I love you Mom and Dad, and I can’t wait to see you both again, until then, I’ll be careful.

As I was flipping through the channels late one night a couple of weeks ago I came across an interview between two talking heads and I heard something that made perfect sense to me but I’d never realized it before. One said, “People don’t mind being used, while they’re being used, It’s when we’re discarded, that we hate the fact that we were being used.” I’ve seen that scenario so many times, and heard about it, but I had never put it together in one sentence like that. I guess that it’s because we all want to feel wanted or needed, that we’re willing to be in those positions to begin with. I realize this is no big revelation, but I wanted to express the thought, so there it is.

I was sent this poem after my last blog post, and I love it.

Beyond the walls, beyond the barriers and obstacles that surround so many. there, where sometimes blooming flowers of hidden beauty rain down like clear sparks over the landscape of the soul. lonely beauty often unseen and never loved… when the human eye could look beyond these walls, beyond the faces and the judgments, this world would be beyond pain.
-Erik Koen Van Glabbeek

Being single and trying to get out there is hard. The loneliness can be hard to deal with sometimes. It can be depressing, you feel like you’re at the bottom of a well, so far down the light doesn’t reach. You can see the light up there, you can hear the people laughing, and having a good time. But you can’t climb out and you get no response when you yell. And what’s worse is occasionally someone shines a flashlight down into the well, but when they don’t see what they are looking for, they leave without helping you out.
I think one of the problems with finding happiness in the dating world is the fact that everyone is looking up. If you use the scale that’s commonly used in dating, the 1-10 ratings, if you feel you warrant a 6, you don’t want to settle, you want a 7 or an 8. Fives want sixes, fours want fives, and so on. As I was thinking of this, I was inspired by a dark image, I wish I was artistic, so I could get this down, in the middle, is a mountain, but it’s boxy, it’s layered like a wedding cake, and on each layer is people standing, all looking up to the next layer, or the next layer, or the next. It’s a bleak picture, maybe a pencil drawing, but with some muted neutral colors. The sad part is, all the people in the picture could be happy, if they just lowered their gaze a bit and realize they are surrounded by people just like them. I guess it’s just natural to be drawn to others that are better than us. Everybody aspires for what’s better.

We all want to feel the warmth of being out of the well. But only a certain ladder will do . . .