Aint No Reason


I think I am in a room with walls closing on me. At first I thought it was slowly but lately they have been moving faster. They are getting closer and closer and as time goes by I am losing site of my exits, my ways out. I think the windows have been nailed shut and the door is jammed. And I can’t figure out if this is a situation that I got myself into or a test to see how long I can make it, or take it, or a test until I break. I am broken now, crumbled on the floor looking for answers. I wait for the answer, after searching for so long. I have used all of my intelligence and yet none of it leads to the answer. I am lost in a world full of disgrace, dismemberment, and strife. My life has been a puzzle, continuously with in these walls. In this room that once was large and now is small. I am stuck here, looking at faces that I don’t recognize, asking them questions that they don’t understand. I cut myself off from the tools that I would need to get out of this a long time ago. I was asked to do one thing and I continuously did another. I spoke words of wisdom when I struggled to see their meaning with in myself. I never fed a person a lie or a justification. I chose what to do, and I made the wrong decision most of the time. And I learned from them, but what I learned feels to have come too late. I am stuck here now, in a room filled with pictures of those faces that I don’t recognize. The questions that they don’t understand. I stood in the middle of it all at one point, I had the answer in my hand and I let it get away. I lost the person that I was supposed to be in the person that they wanted me to be. And yet they never forced me, never told me to do it, I just allowed it to happen. And while I allowed it to go down I allowed these walls to get closer and closer still. Struggle for air when it gets too crowded and you learn how survive. When I was crowded I kicked the wrong people out and let the wrong people stay. I never listened to the preacher or the pastor or the priest, and never once did I like that book that they threw at am. I enjoyed the readings of the Tao and I have lost their meaning in this world filled with objects and lust. I am not centered, except for in this room. This room with nailed shut windows and a jammed door and walls getting closer and closer to me, balled up in the middle staring at faces that hold no meaning. Where is the answer? Who do I ask? And maybe I need to ask myself, but I can not understand at this point. I am not me, nor am I you. You can not possibly understand where I am going because you have not been where I have been. And these walls, damn it these walls are the only things that can set me free. But I can’t see passed them. I can’t see what the pictures see, because none of the pictures are of me…..